A Portland state of mind (or searching for etiquette in P-town)

I love Portland. It has beautiful mountains, parks, trees, & greenery. We have a mellow attitude compared to the Northeastern Seaboard. We have lots of progressives & activists (not just Demopublicans). Overall, I'm proud of my hometown. However, there is one annoying thing about this town: Portlanders have no etiquette. I've heard my friends complaining about varying aspects of this but I never realize just how true this is until I travel. The issue of etiquette has been bugging me since I returned from my cruise in January & I need to vent.

Etiquette is defined in the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, "the conventional rules of personal behavior in polite society..."

One recent Friday night, I went out dancing with a group of female friends. As we were leaving through the bar's exit, which is a single doorway, a guy was walking toward the door to come in & that we would meet there about the same time. He didn't stop or acknowledge that I was might have also been about to come through. He just barged right on through, while I, a female, had to wait for him to stroll through the door.

The more I thought about it, the more I examples of such an utter lack of etiquette I remembered. For example: on the road, on mass transit, in restaurants, in passing & so on. Either it's getting worse or I'm noticing it more.

I've listened to horror dating stories of my friends for years. One friend told me of a date she'd been on where the guy (he's not a man; men have manners!) didn't offer to pay, not even for what he ordered. Excuse me? There's nothing wrong with going dutch or a female paying for the total date; but this should be something people agree upon before ordering & certainly not on a first date.

And don't get me started on the dress code, which for most men here is jeans & a t-shirt daily...even to a night out at the Opera or Symphony. Ick! I love to dress up (my style icons are Sandra Dee & Doris Day...Thanks Grandma Cozzetto!); I'd do it everyday if I could. Of course, I'm thankful to live in a century where dressing doesn't include bustles or constricting undergarments or feet binding. Even better, I'm not expected to wear those means of torture called high heels.

But I digress. Back to more examples of Portlanders lack of etiquette....

I've also had men (usually younger, the older men are more gentlemanly!) cut in line while I'm in line waiting to get onto the bus. On a bad day I feel like telling them ..."curse you be; may you never get laid again, until you learn to treat a woman with respect!".


I'm an independent woman. I can open doors for myself. I don't expect special treatment or for men to open doors or whatnot for me all the time (I'm the type that holds open doors for anybody; I also offer help to those who look lost.). However, it is polite to do this when people's hands are full or they look like could use a cheer up or kindness. Here's a hint for all you single gents: men who open doors - cars & otherwise - are incredibly sexy to many single women.

Besides, I've also had some women Portland lack manners too.

The MAX (our lightrail for those of you outside P-town) is a good example of that. I've had women shove their way on while people are trying to get off. At least the doors are wide enough there for two but it's not as if the train's not going to leave you when you're standing right there. It also frustrates me when I ride at rush hour (thankfully I hardly do this anymore) and people get onto the train even though five of us are jammed into the aisle with our noses to the door because we are packed like sardines.

It doesn't stop on mass transit. The roads are packed with ill-mannered drivers, although I doubt that we are alone in this respect our car culture tends to make people impatient & stupid. Where do I start? Drivers who don't use signals. People who don't read signs...especially those important ones like "stop", speed limits, or "no lane changes". Now Portlanders are great for blaming Washingtonians or Californians for this but I happen to know several natives who do these same things.

It even extends to a night on the town. One of my friends, who happens to be from the Hospitality capital of the world, Las Vegas, has had some awful experiences eating out in Portland..."Great food, lousy service." The worst thing is apathetic wait staff who prefer talking with the other wait staff or their friends rather than customers. My boyfriend & I have waited nearly 30 minutes for a server to acknowledge our table, have had an the incredible disappearing server (I need more water or the bill, but I haven't seen our server in half an hour.). My worst experience in Portland was having a server get angry with a group of us, saying snottily "thanks for leaving", snatch our glasses & dishes. Bear in mind this is an hour earlier than than most pub's closing time. After leaving we saw this server & the other 3 staff members leave as soon as we were out without cleaning the restaurant (I know other workers in this company who regularly stayed & cleaned until 3 or 4 a.m. & that was at a smaller location), and then chat for several minutes. Two of us sent an email about the incident to corporate hq and received a call the very next day from the manager who was shocked and sincerely apologetic (he'd even called in the staff member). Because of this awesome manager, I have returned to their other locations but I will never set foot again in the McMenamin's Barley Mill on Hawthorne & this was happened 2 years ago!


What is it that makes Portlanders overall have such disregard for etiquette? It's not like this in other parts of the U.S. or the world. The South is famous for its Hospitality & on the East Coast people must stand to the right & allow people to pass if they are on moving stairways or walkways (DUH! That's perfectly logical.).

Are men here confused about gender roles in the wake of the women's liberation movement? Do they ask themselves, should I open the door/pay for the date/go dutch/etc. for a lady (I'm taking the words Lady & Miss back!!!!). That scenario is doubtful as progressive as our town is. Possibly it's because men here embrace women's equality & feel that women don't need or want such special treatment. Or is it a hold-over from the wild, wild west? Then again we are pretty mellow here, maybe it's just our mellow attitude.

I was talking to my Vegas-born friend and she said it best..."it's the locals. They have a 'do what you want' attitude." As a native (albeit one who lived in the South for 8 years) it was hard to hear this but I do admit she has a point.

That's not to say that all etiquette is good etiquette (especially if used to control people). Ideally etiquette is about RESPECT. I act a specific way because I want to be polite. My actions affect other people, whether I am socializing, riding, driving, buying, watching a movie (please, please take your ski hat off or scouch down in your seat; for the talkers - rent the movie if you'd like to talk through it or narrate it to your buddy) or whatever else I want to do.