Darth Stressball - the emotion strikes back

No, this post doesn't have anything to do with Star Wars. I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately, some of them on the dark side.

As Yoda said: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

This week I feel as if I am walking in a dark valley. I feel old habits stirring inside: anxiety, depression, drama addiction. {My sense of humor seems to have taken a beating somewhere between 9/11 and the election of 2004. All I want to do is rail at injustice, politics and corporations. I wish I could be witty and rail at the same time. Ah, well.}

Cynicism, fear, despair, apathy, anger and hate are gnawing on my thoughts. It's as if the unclean spirit, (Matthew 12: 43-45), after being cast out returned to a clean, orderly house and brought with it seven other spirits more evil than itself. {Hmmmm...7 spirits, 7's a symbolic number...we have seven deadly sins and God rested on the seventh day. I wonder if that' supposed to mean something in this passage...of course, the original spirit +7 would total eight....}

Writing helps me let go of things, which I otherwise have a hard time doing. It's part meditation and part prayer for me. So I'm going to put some of the nagging thoughts down....

A huge SUV, symbol to me of capitalist excess, made my anger levels rise this past weekend. Don't people see what they are doing to their bodies by lack of exercise? {People'd be better drivers too if they were pedestrians more often. A guy in a pickup truck ran a red light as I was waiting to cross today....If I hadn't been aware that he wasn't slowing down for the yellow light...he would have run me over. But when you're not a pedestrian I think it makes it hard to realize that. It's a disconnection.} And what about food? We are putting chemicals and empty calories into our bodies...is it any wonder that we feel bad all the time? Plus, I've found that real food and drink tastes better.

I'm angry at extremist Leviticans (Christians) who are remaking our country based on one book of the Bible. I fear that someday these same Leviticans will put fellow Christians into prison (or maybe a coliseum with hungry lions) for disagreeing with them and speaking out or even just for not "doing" or being religious enough.

While we're on the subject of Christianity...I've been thinking a lot about what Jesus said about judging.

Matthew 7:3-5 ..."Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, "let me take the speck out of your eye", while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."

We've all been guilty of that. I admit to wishing for smiting powers at times. I wonder, would the world be better if people just looked after their own morals and actions, instead worrying about others? It seems to me it would. Because then we'd see...oh, I'm being hateful...oh, I'm being x, y, z. And then we could help ourselves (as the old saying goes, God helps those who help themselves.). It's similar to the practice what you preach. If everyone took care of themselves then we wouldn't have to scream and shout about hellfire.

I'm angry at Bush and other politicians who use God to get people to vote for them; all the while lying out of both sides of their mouth and WORSHIPING Capitalism and Profits. Voters are getting the shaft, these politicians are only helping themselves and their corporate cronies. Recent examples: bankruptcy bill

I'm angry at the American's who do not use their brains but instead believe every little thing that is said in an ad, news bite, or website, instead of researching and seeing what the candidate/company really does, such as those politicians who talked about supporting our troops but cutting combat pay and veteran's benefits. I'm also angry that people have forgotten so much of history. If we do not study history, we are doomed to repeat it! Our government is now replacing governments it originally put in into Afghanistan and Iraq (Saddam Hussein was part of the US sponsored coup in Iraq in the 1960s; we trained the Afghani's to fight the Russians.)

But maybe I'm just trying to hold on to my past life too much. Matthew 10: 39: "Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it."

There's so much information out there ... we all have information overload and just want to turn our brains off. Plus, this makes it really easy to have disinformation or to have our news degenerate into entertainment news (what's going on with the Michael Jackson trial; are Nick and Jessica getting a divorce; Denise Richard's had her baby today, blah, blah, blah). PLEASE, unless your title is "Entertainment Tonight" or People magazine you shouldn't be wasting time on that. If I want it, and I do admit to enjoying the occasional bit of entertainment news as much as the next person (did someone say Orlando Bloom?!?! or Will Peter Jackson get to make The Hobbit?????), I know where to go get it.

Entertainment has surpassed religion as the people's opiate.

And don't get me started on people who don't want to think about the bad stuff or who think it can't/doesn't happen because 1) it hasn't happened to them or 2) they are truly good people who follow the Golden Rule. Unfortunately, not thinking about the bad stuff, doesn't keep it from happening.

On top of all this....there's a friendship I'm worried about, which I'm not sure if it's just me being uptight or if my friend really is pulling away because I got frustrated with her one day earlier this year and told her that I couldn't enable her anymore. We haven't talked in awhile and I don't really know what's going on with her. It could be that she's just busy but she hasn't returned most of my phone calls or emails this week. I'm frustrated with myself and with her. We both need to be emotionally honest. We both tend to ride an emotional roller coaster. I feel bad that I might have hurt her but you know is it healthy for her to be venting all the time and never moving forward? It's as if she enjoys being miserable (I have at times preferred it myself.)

There is a good side to walking through a dark valley; it reminds me that I need God. As a wretch, I find comfort in the words of "Amazing Grace": "...I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see."

This passage, which I stumbled across today in my Bible, gives me hope too. Matthew 9: 12 ..."Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick." Jesus did forgive prostitutes, tax collectors and other sinners. There's always hope!