State of the Union address

It’s that time of year. Time for our grand poobah to give his state of the union address. The actual speech will be broadcast on Tuesday, January 23 at 9 p.m. EST. There’s even a drinking game for my friends who like myself believe that beer (or insert your drink of choice) makes everything better: http://www.drinkinggame.us/

Here’s my facetious take on Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address, or what I would write if I had been hired as his speechwriter. With apologies to Shakespeare (Julius Caesar) & writers of satire.

State of the Union 2007

Friends, Republicrats, Countrymen,
Lend me your ears.

First of all, I’d like to thank democrat Nancy Pelousi for taking impeachment off the table. I’d also like to make her an honorary Republican.

I don’t look forward & I don’t look back. But today I come to talk about the state of our union. Ours is a grand future!

Since 2001 we have proven that we will not roll over & play dead. To paraphrase Toby Keith, if you mess with us, you get a boot in your ass. One terrorist supporter, Saddam Hussein, has been brought to justice. We are safer now than ever! But make no mistake: new enemies are being manufactured as I speak. Ain't American ingenuity grand?

America has a duty to the world. We must carry on the fight of taking capitalocracy & the freedom to shop to the rest of the world.

I believe that God & the people have given me a mandate to stay the course. To that end I have committed 21,000 more of our young men & women into Iraq to stem the civil war that we started. My military advisors assure me this won’t create any new terrorists, so I think we can look forward to an end of this War on Terror in our lifetime. If not, I know the American people are willing to sacrifice an entire generation, just as Europe did in that noble battle we call World War I.

We continue to seek out Osama Bin Laden and others who would harm our nation. Including those inside our borders. Recently I added a “signing statement” to a bill that allows me to look into American citizens’ mail sent through the US Postal service without a warrant. Critics say that this is contrary to existing law & the law I was signing. I say to them, CONSTITUTION SMONSTITUTION! Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Would you have us live in fear of terrorists or live the American dream of life, liberty & the pursuit? Liberals, radicals, peaceniks, dissenters, any people of color or with Islamic sounding names, the media & Hillary Clinton, we will be monitoring your mail! Oh, and we’ll keep monitoring your phone calls too. {Homey smile, wink & laugh here.} I just wish the liberal media would stop letting let the cat out of the bag: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2003508676_mail04.html

My next goal is to figure out how we can monitor the Internet & those radical bloggers too! I’ve got a conservative think tank working on that.

Closer to home, as I’ve said in every State of the Union address since my selection, I promise to decrease America’s independence on foreign oil. We don’t need to face our addiction to oil. All we have to do is drill in ANWAR & add more off-shore sites to our coastlines. This will have the added benefit of speeding up the economic recovery of the Gulf Coast in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Speaking of the Gulf Coast, the gentrification of New Orleans is proceeding slower than anticipated but I have full confidence in my corporate masters to capitalize on this historic opportunity.

As April 15th approaches, I say now is not the time to tax our citizens, they deserve to keep what they’ve worked hard for. Halliburton, Microsoft, Monsanto, General Motors, all you multinational corporations - Read my lips: no new taxes.

In closing, blah, blah, blah, wubba, wubba, wubba - same old crap I've been saying for the last 7 years.

----

Okay… I’ve run out of steam. What would you add?